There are a lot of changes going on this summer. Adjusting to a new house, adjusting to the step mom life, adjusting to having 7 kids under one roof, 7 different personalities and needs (more if you count the multiple personalities that tend to pop up from time to time lol).
I’m also adjusting to meeting my own needs. It’s an easy talk but a harder walk. As I type, I am sitting here looking at the MESS and boxes that still need to be unpacked and cleaned up. I’m overwhelmed with where to put everything – nothing seems to have a place. I despise the unpacking.
So when a friend calls and says – hey lets go fishing. There is a certain level of guilt associated with walking away from all of the going-ons of this house. I found myself reluctantly saying – okayyy, but only if we make it quick because I have GOT to get these boxes unpacked.
Do I WANT to go fishing? YES! Do I WANT to unpack more boxes? NO! Do I NEED to be alone and feel the sun and hear the water. God YES.
So, I reluctantly leave my house because of the guilt I have imposed on myself over the state of this place?!?! What is wrong with me??
Nothing. Absolutely Nothing. This self imposed guilt is a reaction to the failure of my self imposed expectation of having a fully unpacked and functional and decorated house by this time.
I am my own worst enemy. And I have a sneaking suspicion that a lot of you do the same thing.
I breathe deep and I release these expectations…and I ask myself, as I sit here staring back at the boxes and clutter that are calling out to me, is this a moment of stillness or action?
We all feel the pressure to get all the things done, to do everything right, not fail our children, be everything to everyone, meet our own goals, follow through with commitments. But there are endings and beginnings and there are middles. I’m somewhere in the middleness of this mess, and that’s okay. I’m going to enjoy this stillness and peace.
This is hard. Adjustments and decisions are hard. Showing yourself grace is….hard.
Things will find their place in time. Maybe not before my daughter and stepson head off to college…definitely not before my husband gets home from work tonight – but it will get there. Eventually. And this is what will make the difference – a relaxed mom and wife who enjoyed the time spent with her family and friends. I’m only one person and I can only do so much, and I’m doing what I can.
And next time someone asks me to go fishing – I won’t just talk the talk – I’ll drop whatever I’m doing, throw a few beers in the cooler, grab my fly rod and say…